All in God's Hands

I didn't know I can still post here. 

Indeed, it has been a while. A. Long. While.

How have you been?

Today, like others, I begin my day early in the morning, 5:20am to be exact. My alarm beeped and I thought to myself it feels like I just closed my eyes a couple of minutes ago, and now it's already time to wake up and start new day. You see, waking up early morning never suited me no matter how long I've been doing it. I just don't get used to it and struggle every single day, and believe me when I say every single day - for the past seven years or so. As I sit on the bed, I wonder how my body still cannot accept something it has been doing for so long! But oh, for how much longer, I ask.

Today, like others, I wake up at 5:20am, turn off my alarm then the second one (errr... two minutes later), struggle to sit on the bed, cover myself again with my blanket, bow my head and pray to God. I entrust everything that is to happen over the course of the day to Him, having firm and complete faith that He will be there to help me, support me, guide me, never abandon me, keep me safe, and hold my hand while I traverse the world.

Today, unlike others, our workforce will hear about the company's move dubbed as the "major restructure", "final phase of termination of services", "the big one", and I don't know what else they call it. HR booked the meeting room from 8:00am to 3:00pm, colleagues have asked me since yesterday, even calling me the "best actress", for they assume that I know what's going to happen today, but I honestly don't. Colleagues told me we must place ourselves on the safe side, but really, who are we kidding? We don't even have a side to lean on, we are likened to the blind mice sniffing our way in the office, while feeling cold, confused, demotivated, and scared. 

I have no idea who will be asked to leave the company, myself included - I really have no clue, but what I am assured of is that no matter what happens today, I am on God's side. Others can work hard to put themselves on what they perceive as the safe side, but my heart is at peace, knowing my Lord will be there for me, support me, guide me, never abandon me, keep me safe, and hold my hand while I await today's announcement. 

I entrust everything to You, my dear Lord God. Your will be done!

Be Brave, Little One

It's okay to let go, Kristine.

This is my mantra now. I will keep repeating this to myself until I get used to it and it becomes a natural process for me.

It's time to let go. Yes, it is. When this is the very obvious choice that I have to make. When this is the only right thing to do. When this is the only option I haven't chosen, yet. Yes, I've reached the end and I am laying everything down, silently keeping away everything, knowing that I will just continue to fail and lose if I go on. So I am hanging my armor up, finally, for good, because this battle will never be won.

Yes, with a grave, silent, and heavy heart, I am learning to accept that not all battles can really be won, and not everything is a battle to fight. I must learn to say no right from the start when I know that it is something that I will never win.

This caused me despair. It caused me pain more than I thought I could endure. It caused me to change my course in life.  At the same time, this battle taught me to take that step even when I fear that it will bring me suffering, because I have to, because I need to. Just a little dose of bravery is all I need. Maybe that can come from self-love, from self-worth, from dignity.

Thank you for the life lessons I was taught. From now on, I will choose my battles wisely.

The wound in my heart is still open and bleeding profusely, but in time, it will also heal. Yes, in God's time.

My dear Lord, please teach me to be brave.

Say Cheese!

I am not a picture loving person. Ask me to pose and you'll probably end up wishing you never asked me to. I don't even like looking at myself all the time in the mirror unless I need to, unlike those other people who would pause and take the time to check themselves whenever they see a shiny surface, even if it is the tinted window of a car with a person actually inside looking at them! But somehow I want to learn how to take pictures, pretty pictures of the world around me. I just don't know where to start. So if I were to buy a camera, which brand do you suggest I take? What else will I be needing? I want to go to a photography session and learn the basics. Any tips you can give me?

Sleeping Late, Waking Up Early

Today I know I was supposed to wake up early to make progress to my folder but again I woke up late. Well, what's new? I still continue to be very inefficient and undisciplined and lazy, and I still ask myself why they wanted me to join this program and become a manager. My Operations Manager sat down with me once and told me to own the program - because it is mine and not anyone else's so there really isn't any other person I can rely to than myself to do all these requirements by HR. By Sunday I will already have my first folder review and I will be found lacking if I continue with this speed - snails are faster than me these days, I hate it. Why I became as lazy as I am now? Maybe because (a) I am not happy with what I am doing, (b) uhm... see? I don't even have the energy to think of other reasons.

Ohh well, at least I made a teeny-weeny progress, if I can even call it progress, I opened my folder and thought of what evidences I can gather to prove that I am doing all these things and demonstrating the required behaviors at work.

One thing I learned: Don't expect to wake up EARLY with the required energy if you always sleep very late.

I hate it when I fight myself to sleep every single night.

Don't cry, Kristine. Don't think about that, Kristine. Close your eyes and sleep, Kristine.

It's 3:00 in the morning and my mind is still running at, say, 100mi/hr. What do you expect me to do?

Just try to be calm, pray, think of happy thoughts and not that, and pray some more, sing hymns in your mind, divert your attention to something else, then sleep will come eventually. Try it. :) (This is the other voice in my head that is trying to oppose the other me).

I sincerely hope I am not getting crazy.

The Other Person That Is ME

I don't write to get the attention of any person. I write only because I need a place to get my thoughts and feelings out of my system. I don't intend to damage anyone, including myself, but hey, I'm only just me. Similar to you, but still uniquely different. I have a lot of quirks, tons of things weigh me down, but reasons are aplenty for me to be thankful for - my life, the second (third, fourth...) chances I am being given, my family, my friends, and so on and so forth. You can hate me, you can love me but these days I realized that some things have made me tougher than I thought I could ever possibly be. I talk to my God, I talk to myself, I easily get irritated (though honestly, I used to complain that I had very long patience), simple things make me smile, simple things rot my day as well. Sometimes I love myself, other times I want to kill me, I get addicted to things and people (no, I never had any drugs and have no intention of trying), but in the end, this is still me. At the end of each day I still have to go to bed with the person that I am.

At the moment, I am in the process of healing. This is the reason why I started to write again. I'll try to write more often if time permits because I have other things to do (like finish my folder for my training) but once that is over I will steadily make this the outlet of my troubled, wounded, scared, addicted soul.

Let this be my shock absorber, just like I used to be to other people.

So, this is me.

My New Home

I know this post is long overdue. I've been residing here in my "new home" for more than five months now and I am only doing this now. A lot of things already happened in the past months I've been here, met a lot of different people, learned a few Arabic words, became thin and fat again(sad!!!), been through ups and downs at work and my personal life, laughed and cried my heart out, but I chose to stay silent. Anyhow, late is better than never, right?

First up, I am now residing in a foreign land, a land of deserts and sandstorms and dates and chai (tea) and sweets and sheisa, a land with extreme weather, summer that gives its 100% to try to burn you and raise your blood to boiling point and winter that does its best to freeze you, that is Kuwait.

Yes, I've learned quite a number of things in my span of five months here. That "salamat" means "get well soon" and not "thank you" and "mahal" means "store" and not "expensive", to name a few. But no, I don't know how to write or read Arabic that's why I rely so much on Google Translate when I send text messages to a "sadik" (friend) of mine. Take note that I only type the Arabic words here based on how I hear them being said. ;-)

So, how am I? Basically I am fine. I came here to work and I am fulfilling it, thank You, my Lord. Aside from that, I am also able to fulfill my church duties as a choir member. So that is a real bonus! I have also learned to be more responsible and organize my time better, so in summary I am in good shape here. I hope I can say the same for my physical shape. Hehehe... I'd like to write some more but it's time to take a bath and prepare myself for work. I can't miss my transport! Mara thani (Next time) I will post some more.

Closing Doors

This might be my last post on this blog. Today may also be the last day I am accessing my Friendster and Multiply accounts. Why? Two reasons, actually. Let me go over them briefly. But before that, take note that I used the words MIGHT and MAY, meaning I might post again sometime in the future and I might access my Friendster & Multiply accounts again, soon. So now, on with the reasons.

1. I lost the interest in sharing my thoughts over the Internet. Yes, this is the only place where I am writing about my feelings, thoughts, and crazy adventures and experiences. I don't keep any written journal and sometimes, I regret the fact that I have nothing to remind me about events that happened in a particular day, especially if they were exciting (or the other way around). Anyway, I realized that even if I have the resources, I still don't post them here any longer. So yes, that's the first reason. Same goes for my Friendster and Multiply accounts.

2. I'm getting married this coming October. Not that I am not excited to share my experiences, but I am a very hands-on type of person. This means I am going to be very busy these coming months, and thinking about it, the coming year(s). My boyfriend and I are juggling our time with the preparation for the wedding, checking the house that we're building, and working to pay for all the expenses.

To my REAL FRIENDS (you know who you are): you know where to contact me - my Yahoo e-mail and cellphone.

So there. Ciao!

This is Kristine, signing off.