I'm not supposed to be blogging right now. According to my computer clock, it's already 1:14 AM, but here I am, still sitting in front of the computer. Sleep is still very elusive even if my whole body is screaming for me to get into a deep slumber.
Why do I have to feel this way? When will I ever change? Or would "WILL I ever change?" be the correct question? Too bad, I don't know the answer to my own inquiries. For so many times, I thought I already did, but at the end of it all, I still fall for the same mistake, over and over again. Now I know I really don't have any convincing power because no matter how many times I tell myself not to fall for the same mistake twice, nothing really changes. And I hate myself for it.
Though I know I will overcome this "issue" I am faced with right now, as I have done so many times in the past, I still hate the fact that I have to feel this way. You know that time when you know you're not supposed to do something but you just can't help it? That even if you know exactly the consequences of your actions, and that it's only you who will suffer in the end, you still continue to trod the path you're in instead of turning your back against it?
It's really BS!
Now, what do I do? If only I have no feelings at all, for sure it wouldn't be this difficult...
I really hate the sleepless nights and the non-ending marathon of the mind. It's like running the mile without ever reaching your goal.
But to give credit to myself, in one way or another, I think I have improved somehow. Now, I can already control SOME of my actions (but believe me, thinking about the consequence of one act doesn't prevent me from doing it..ggrrr!!!!!), controlling by means of not doing anything at all about the concern at hand. But it sure feels like there's a world war going on inside my body. More like every inch of my nerves scream for me to do something and I am hindering myself from moving.
Oh, well, what's new about you feeling this way, Kristine?
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