Just Like an Ensaymada

Once I posted an entry, here about how I feel towards other people who comment about my weight. I just finished reading it again and I realized that I still feel the same after a couple of years. I thought I already became less sensitive to this issue but it doesn't seem to be the case.

Until now, I'm still on a battle with myself on how to make me thin. Discipline, I lack this I know. Why? Because I already grew tired. Tired of fighting with myself, but I don't want to admit that I already lost the battle. No, not yet. At this point I would like to think that I'm just pausing for a while to catch my breathe. hehehe (me bad!) Anyhow, the reason why I'm creating this post is because just a while ago I had a talk with my boyfriend about this thing. He said it's my fault that I got hurt because I checked his phone and read the messages he's exchanging with his brother. His brother was asking how I'm doing and his answer was "eto, sexyk pa rin". SEXYK = SIKSIK???!!!?! Okay I won't overreact. Actually I don't think I did overreact when I read it. All I did was laugh and poke him at his side and jokingly say "Ikaw ha?"

I didn't really get mad or hurt with what I read. But my point is if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't describe me as "sexyk". It doesn't matter if it will be read or not by the person we're talking about. I think that's beside the point. The thing is if I were him I wouldn't allow anyone else to say such things or describe me as such. It won't matter if he would hear me or not but I'll always defend him and not let anyone else say any insulting or derogatory word about him. No matter how true that may be.

But just like what he said to me before he left me, "sorry, hindi ako ikaw." (Loosely translated as "sorry, I'm not you"). I was stunned. I stopped after that because I couldn't say anything more about the topic since just like before, it won't lead us anywhere good, that's for sure.

Ang sakit pakinggan no? Akala ko pagkatapos ng explanation ko sa kanya kung bakit ayaw kong sinasabihan ng ganun ay maiintindihan na nya, hindi pala.

If only people know how much I pity myself right now...
...every time I sit and realize that I can't cross my legs anymore.
...every time I look at the mirror and see that my belly is even bigger than my boobs.
...every time I remember an acquaintance saying "askukal na lang ang kulang sa mukha mo, ensaymada ka na!" (sugar is the only thing you need on your face and you're already a brioche!")

I just didn't expect my boyfriend not to understand. But thinking about it right now, I can't remember a time when he did when we are talking about matters like this. Ouch!